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hophophopper((Because I write faster when it's crackfic, apparently. There may be some follow-up chapters, or story expansions.))
1. Level 10 Chemies will do what they want. That they stay in their cards is a choice, not a signal you can do anything you like to those cards.
2. The Cosmic and Fantastical Chemies will also do what they want.
--Unless you're Professor Kudoh!
---And even then...
3. If a Chemy comes up to you while you are in the lab, they are not asking for food. Chemies do not eat human food. Please stop trying to feed the Chemies.
--But you may pet a Chemy, since that is most likely what it wants.
---Unless it needs help. Even if it is just to explore a part of the Academy they can't normally reach.
4. Playing 'Hide and Seek' with Chemies, whether they are in or out of their cards, is disruptive to the Academy's environment.
--So we should ask Professor Kudoh for permission first? (A good assumption, but unfortunately no. And yes, I know about this list. -Fuuga Kudoh)
5. Saying you can 'Ride' any Chemy, whether they are a Vehicle Chemy or not, because they are stored in Ride Cards, is the kind of thinking that will leave you stranded on the roof with an annoyed Ancient Chemy refusing to help you. Please do not make this common mistake.
6. Just because the Chemies look interested when I talk about my younger siblings does NOT mean I should endeavor to bring them to the Academy.
--Or my kids
--Or my domestic partner (assuming they are not also an alchemist)
--Or my sibling's kids
7. NO PETS. More specifically, no pets are allowed within proximity of the Chemies when the latter are on campus. Please keep your pets on a leash and by your side. There has been enough collateral damage already, we do not need a repeat incident.
8. Reading to Chemies is perfectly acceptable. If you know a particular Chemy to have a literary preference in being read to, please list it here.
9. Teaching a Chemy to write, however, requires permission from Professor Kudoh. Apparently having someone prank him by pretending to be a Chemy leaving notes was one time too many...
10. Yes, Chemies are easily portable (should they cooperate). This does NOT mean you should feel compelled to take them home at any excuse.
--But I want to shower them with love and affection!
---Then do it at the Academy. And if it's not the kind of gesture you can do at the Academy, you probably shouldn't do it!
----Press X to Doubt.
1. Level 10 Chemies will do what they want. That they stay in their cards is a choice, not a signal you can do anything you like to those cards.
2. The Cosmic and Fantastical Chemies will also do what they want.
--Unless you're Professor Kudoh!
---And even then...
3. If a Chemy comes up to you while you are in the lab, they are not asking for food. Chemies do not eat human food. Please stop trying to feed the Chemies.
--But you may pet a Chemy, since that is most likely what it wants.
---Unless it needs help. Even if it is just to explore a part of the Academy they can't normally reach.
4. Playing 'Hide and Seek' with Chemies, whether they are in or out of their cards, is disruptive to the Academy's environment.
--So we should ask Professor Kudoh for permission first? (A good assumption, but unfortunately no. And yes, I know about this list. -Fuuga Kudoh)
5. Saying you can 'Ride' any Chemy, whether they are a Vehicle Chemy or not, because they are stored in Ride Cards, is the kind of thinking that will leave you stranded on the roof with an annoyed Ancient Chemy refusing to help you. Please do not make this common mistake.
6. Just because the Chemies look interested when I talk about my younger siblings does NOT mean I should endeavor to bring them to the Academy.
--Or my kids
--Or my domestic partner (assuming they are not also an alchemist)
--Or my sibling's kids
7. NO PETS. More specifically, no pets are allowed within proximity of the Chemies when the latter are on campus. Please keep your pets on a leash and by your side. There has been enough collateral damage already, we do not need a repeat incident.
8. Reading to Chemies is perfectly acceptable. If you know a particular Chemy to have a literary preference in being read to, please list it here.
9. Teaching a Chemy to write, however, requires permission from Professor Kudoh. Apparently having someone prank him by pretending to be a Chemy leaving notes was one time too many...
10. Yes, Chemies are easily portable (should they cooperate). This does NOT mean you should feel compelled to take them home at any excuse.
--But I want to shower them with love and affection!
---Then do it at the Academy. And if it's not the kind of gesture you can do at the Academy, you probably shouldn't do it!
----Press X to Doubt.
Tags:
Chapter 2 Material
15/3/24 12:38 (UTC)--Says the guy who lost a wrestling match... with the wrestling Chemy.
---No. It was Bussasorry
----You poor fool.
-----[REDACTED]
12. Being that Chemies are intelligent enough to learn and follow game rules, the list of approved games is on the inside of the door to Professor Kudoh's office. Do NOT deviate from this list without alerting the professor! Also, you will make most Chemies sad if you challenge them to card games.
13. DO NOT LEAVE ELECTRONIC DEVICES UNATTENDED IN THE LABS. This is both a security matter, a safety matter, and a reminder.
14. Chemies sleep. This means that they will be cranky if you interrupt their rest!
--What is it with you and getting on the bad side of Ancient Chemies?
---Shut up, that's what.
15. Relatedly, whoever instated 'late night movie nights' for Chemies: my office. Now.
16. Yes, some Chemies look humanoid. This does not make them any less products of alchemy. Asking one to take notes for you in class is not permitted.
17. Nor is asking one to share your lunch. Yes, this is a rephrasing of a different rule.
18. Students are not to throw Ride Chemy Cards like they are darts!
19. Nor are they to shuffle decks of them like playing cards. It is only 'safe' with blank cards, and it is a poor habit to get into within the Academy.
20. To whoever taught the Chemies to play Statues, and implied it would be more fun to do it out of their cards: Why. Just why.
Chapter 3 Material
16/3/24 12:16 (UTC)21. Despite most chemies' appreciation of pets, flipping one over to cuddle it in your arms is almost never justified. Any damage you incur from this maneuver is on you.
22. Yes, some chemies can sit on your shoulder! Most of them can't, and most of them won't. Please don't try to reinforce this behavior, it is damaging to clothes.
--Also, using alchemy to get around this just means you have to repair those clothes later.
23. Yes, the laser pointer incident was funny, but it was only funny once. Using them to entertain chemies is now banned.
24. Panpakaparka can decide if it wants to be a blanket on its own; forcing the issue for the purpose of photos is explicitly banned.
-- And so is using it as part of the 'testing object permanence' trick. None of them are fooled, anyway, so doing it is pointless.
25. There are no curtains in the lab. Bringing some in just to see how various chemies react can be classified as an experiment... as long as you don't expect the curtains back.
26. The video arrangement of various chemies' calls, such that it sounds like a song, is entertaining. It is still forbidden to post it to the Internet. This is final.
27. Using alchemy to recreate famous videos - of any topic - is not in and of itself an academic use of the practice. Either work it into your thesis or find the time outside the Academy.
--Asking chemies to 'star' in the videos is right out. See above.
28. Lixion is a Chemy, not a cat. Remember rule #1. (This also goes for Sabeliger.)
29. Asking Xeggdrasil if it sees itself as a giant scratching post is both bizarre and inappropriate.
30. If you hear a Chemy meowing: No, you didn't.
Chapter 4 Material
17/3/24 14:36 (UTC)31. Certain Chemies - particularly the Plant Chemies - directly participate in lab experiments. Nicknames regarding this status are not to be condoned.
--But what if we DO meet a rat chemy one day? Or a guinea pig chemy?
---The answer is still no.
32. Xeggdrail is not a Christmas Tree!
--Relatedly, Renkingrobo is not a Nutcracker.
33. After a near-miss incident with the local news outlets, pulling off 'stunt rides' with Golddash is forbidden. Famous childrens' shows do not require you to pay homage!
34. No matter how much it uses the puppy-dog eyes, X-Wizard is not allowed to be smuggled to local conventions for sightseeing.
35. Calling KaiserBee 'Beedrill' is not a good idea. Please do not.
36. Teaching Hawkstar how to 'sing' along to certain Queen songs is not appropriate behavior for the Academy.
37. Whoever let EnergyL find a vending machine to hide in: this is your only warning.
38. Reciting certain Disney quotes to MiteMirror just confuses the chemy; like with the other warnings, please do not.
39. Just because Smaphone was created before smartphones became common, does not mean the alchemist that created it was psychic. Please stop repeating this idea, lest someone believe it.
40. Trying to put Panpakaparka on Sabeliger was an extremely poor idea. Please apologize to both chemies immediately.
Chapter 5 Material
18/3/24 14:34 (UTC)42. Yes, Raidenji is a battery. This does NOT mean using it to recharge your devices. At the very least, ask first.
--This goes double for Kesuzo and its purpose, right?
---Correct.
43. Yes, YoaCerberus is the closest thing to a 'dog Chemy' we have. This does NOT mean you are 'compelled' to give it treats - please see the previous warning about feeding chemies.
--But can we still call it a good boy/girl???
---...If you must.
44. RIDE CHEMY CARDS ARE NOT BOOKMARKS.
--It wasn't me, I swear!
---Wait, Chemies can't read while in their cards, right?
----You'll have to forgive me for being new: Chemies can read?
45. Bringing in action figurines for Wrestler G to 'fight' is, at best, immature. On the one hand, I can only imagine this was considered for some kind of viral video attempt, which is of course forbidden. And on the other: if you're going to provide enrichment for the Chemies, you should really try harder than that.
46. Speaking of chemy enrichment: most of them can't have food, but what about chew toys?
--Try it at your own risk. Alchemy might actually come in handy for this, as well.
47. Who taught the Chemies that scratching on the bathroom door was acceptable behavior?!
--Nope.
---No.
----I sure didn't!
-----Nor I.
------Maybe they just picked it up from us watching cat videos?
-------Oh no.
48. Relatedly: did anyone actually teach any Chemies to dance? Or are they just copying us?
--They are absolutely copying us.
---Oh good, I'm not responsible for convincing them to stop, then.
----Now, I wouldn't say that...
49. Just because the Chemies don't fully understand what coffee is does NOT mean one should endeavor to find a way to recreate its effects on them!
50. You are not actually required to share movies featuring kaiju with the Chemies... it is just very, very heavily recommended.
Chapter 6 Material
19/3/24 21:40 (UTC)-In general: if it has eyes, and has been kept in the care of the academy for more than two years (so, basically all of them), assume it has at least a BASIC understanding of kanji.
-If you are specifically attempting to read with/to Chemies, that is fine. We are not stocking an entire library just for them, however; our own books will have to suffice.
-"Given they have English names, should we make sure they learn it?" Within reason. While it is unlikely they can repeat words in the vein of children imitating the adults around them, we must work together to understand the impact certain words can have.
-It is, in two words, extremely unwise to ask Chemies to pass messages between classes for you. If they are intercepted, or distracted, there is no predicting in whose hands those messages may land.
-As a matter of courtesy, do not recruit Chemies to place 'KICK ME' signs on fellow students, or faculty. If you elect to make stupid decisions, please do not widen the network of who is responsible.
-Hopper1 has been disciplined accordingly for perusing students' books without permission; this should not repeat itself in the future. To my knowledge, other Chemies have not been copying this behavior and I do not expect this to continue to be an issue.
-Pranking Vehicle Chemies by placing to-scale road signs around the facility is now a banned practice.
-Similarly, emplacing 'animal xing' signs, for both the Animal, Insect, Ancient and Fantastical Chemies, is likewise now banned.
-Calling any room where the Cosmic Chemies have congregated a 'ball pit' is both scientifically inaccurate and unnecessarily juvenile. Please stop.
-Only letting Job Chemies have access to books that 'pertain to their fields of expertise' qualifies as discrimination. We are better than this.
Best Regards,
Fuuga Kudoh
Chapter 7 Material
20/3/24 19:12 (UTC)Since the late nineteenth century, there is a partition of land where certain outdoor-accustomed Chemies are allowed out of their cards (under supervision).
More recently, alchemy students have taken to landscaping this area. Observations to this point in time are as follows:
- To prevent degradation of the soil, local plants receive priority.
- Flowers from other regions/countries/continents are permitted, with sufficient separation of the flowerbeds upon installation.
- NO TREES. Alchemy cannot sort out this problem, as it cannot provide the long-term spatial-alteration solutions such would require.
- If you fail to find Venomdake, that is on you; it is not a Chemy that goes out of its way to hide.
- During the 1970s, a student who shall not be named taught the various Plant and Occult Chemies in-house at that time how to make 'Faery Circles'. If you find one in the present, do not disturb it. Even if nothing supernatural happens, the Chemies themselves will take note.
- If you see a rabbit in the area, and it is not Bountybunny, do not introduce them to each other 'simply to see what happens'.
- Similar to the issue regarding trees, installing a water feature for Ganvhale is not feasible even with alchemy.
- Hide and Seek is permitted here, within reason.
- Caveat to the above: if it descends into fighting, repairs will be your responsibility.
- Install a sand pit at your own risk. The sand will get everywhere, even with alchemy at hand to clean it up.
Chapter 8 Material
21/3/24 22:27 (UTC)71. An amendment to rule 12: now that you have SOMEHOW managed to teach Chemies the rules to Poker, any items you lose via such games are to be retrieved by honest means only.
--Too late; we've already found out they can cheat at cards. In fairness, counting cards isn't that difficult...?
---No, that's just you.
72. An amendment to rule 49: both cardamom and durian are now banned from the Academy. Please refrain from enjoying these foods on campus. We refuse to elaborate how this rule became necessary.
--But, but we were there!
---AND WE REFUSE TO ELABORATE ON THE INCIDENT FURTHER.
73. In reference to rule 37: this warning goes double for 'lost and found' posts regarding neighboring grocers. I am aware this applies to more than just EnergyL, but it still applies.
--I accept my punishment, but I only wish to state in addition that it wasn't my idea to push them all in a shopping cart; I was outvoted.
74. Since we are now at the point where Chemies understand what toys are: No, we are not a rescue for abandoned action figures. No matter how 'sad' the toy is, nor how sad seeing them in disrepair appears to make a given Chemy.
--To go back to rule 45, at least it means Wrestler G doesn't find them boring anymore?
---That is incorrect: this new rule exists because of the Vehicle Chemies. And in general, damaged toys that we spot online are not to be treated by this institute as secret Chemies in need of rescue.
75. To whoever decided to introduce the Chemies to Lilo and Stitch: The Series: Good work. Now we just have to convince them that there aren't secretly more than a hundred other 'siblings' of theirs out in wider Japan. Even if it were the truth, we do not have the resources to hand to take care of them all.
76. Unofficial rule: if you fall asleep while conducting Chemy studies, you do not get to complain about being the next 'Chemy pillow.'
--Anyone who bears witness to this phenomenon: PLEASE TAKE PHOTOS, I'M GONNA CRY-
77. Further amendment to rule 12: introducing Chemies to video games cannot be taken back. Unfortunately, only the Job Chemies appear to have enough articulation to work most controllers, and they still need help. Any research you wish to conduct in this, please reach out to staff first: there are additional and more mundane sources of funding that may be available to you.
78. It is unclear what the Fantastical Chemies think overall of the human world. However, introducing them to the concept of 'unicorn hunters' counts as cruelty. Don't even start.
79. Amendment to rule 30: Chemies have escalated from producing fake cat sounds to faking hairballs to get attention. The former can be excused, the latter cannot. We meet tonight to begin counter-reinforcement.
80. In addition to rule 34: I don't want to know how one of our Chemies learned to drive without first being a vehicle. Nor do I want this to become public knowledge outside of the Alchemist Academy. By reading this rule you agree to keep this in the strictest of confidences.
Chapter 9 Material
22/3/24 13:41 (UTC)[[Image: Kesuzo in center of frame, facing away from the camera. The eraser Chemy is pinning a piece of paper to a desk's surface. Paper reads: I erase items both when provoked and 'just to see what would happen']]
[[Image: Spicle, Skebows and Golddash, in card form, their respective 'art' conveying expressions of innocence. Next to the three is a propped-up piece of paper that reads: We believe we are entitled to stunt drives and parkour! ]]
[[Image: Bambamboo outside, posing cheerfully next to a wooden sign that itself has a piece of paper taped to it. The paper reads: I 'borrowed' an alchemist's (unloaded) gun to try and compare types! ]]
[[Image: A collection of ALL the Occult Chemy cards, minus UFO-X. The cards are arranged in a circle around a piece of paper. The paper reads: We tried to run a haunted house, without telling anyone what we were doing! ]]
[[Image: A contrite-looking Saboneedle stands next to a sign. The sign reads: I like hugs, but don't always remember to give others time to put on cushioning. ]]
[[Image: Sabeliger and X-Rex, standing protectively over a gathering of the other Ancient Chemies. This is one photo, paired with one of the actual sign. Sign reads: WE BITE WHEN PROVOKED. Or just curious. ]]
[[Image: A 'picture' - for some reason a photonegative - taken of Kuroana, paired with another picture of a sign. Sign reads: I 'eat' things people want to get rid of - and then spit them back out! ]]
[[Image: A (slightly blurred) picture of a young Spanner Kurogane. The picture is actually focused upon Madwheel, which is perched on the boy's arm. In Spanner's hand is a sign that reads: When I say it is naptime, my pillow naps with me! ]]
[[Image: A picture of Televi. The Chemy is trying to display a picture itself, but it is not clear. Paired with this is a sign that says, I pretend to be a regular television so I can see what humans want to watch! ]]
[[Image: A (blurred) picture of Hopper1. The Chemy is leaping at the camera, managing to obscure whatever shaming sign was intended for use. Any other explanatory pictures remain unattached.]]
Chapter 10 Material ('Finale')
23/3/24 14:10 (UTC)91. Talk. People talk to their plants and pets, don't they? It's not that strange...
92. Go swimming! While not all Chemies are suited for the water, they can't drown either. It's as safe as anything!
93. Let them guard your things. As long as you first explain that's what you're doing, your belongings will be kept safe!
94. Access rooftops. Not for illicit activities, but for the view! Also stargazing, and watching sunrises.
95. Test pens. Calligraphy-watching is interesting, and if the pen does not work they can dispose of it!
96. Review homework - or grade it. It's very educational!
97. Similarly, work on papers - but only if having an audience isn't distracting!
98. Take them for rides (in card form). Make it a day-trip!
99. Build them an obstacle course, for enrichment.
100. Please ignore ALL rules about not feeding the Chemies. Please?????
Re #72 - The "High Chemies" incident
13/5/24 13:55 (UTC)They reported this incident to a supervisor, only for the Chemies to recover within two hours.
This first sighting happened in February, but further reports from other alchemists came in during the following seven months.
Following the dismissal of a junior-level alchemist (over an unrelated misconduct incident), all reports of listless Chemies ceased.
Review of the incident revealed that this particular alchemist used cardamom frequently to season their food, and regularly smelled of the spice. It was further uncovered that the listless Chemies were ones the alchemist in question interacted with frequently.
An additional incident occurred that December, when someone [NAME NOT DISCLOSED] brought in an exotic fruits platter as a Christmas gift. Five Chemies were later found behaving erratically (chewing on non-food items, attempting to perch on walls not designed for such, attempting to 'swim' on the ground).
It was discovered that the Chemies had eaten the contents of the fruit platter; determining the exact source required pointed experiments, but it was later deemed that no further punishment would be necessary.
"The Incident", 1965
19/6/24 01:12 (UTC)They started this by pairing up the Insect Chemies, highest power difference to lowest, in glass chambers.
Before they could draw any results from the experiment, however, the Vehicle Chemies (there being only three in the Academy at that time) sounded the alarm and burst into the lab, stopping the procedure.
Additional note, translation courtesy of X Wizard: Beetl-X: I made sure to train all my younger siblings in how to break barriers after this happened! While it is my special ability, each Insect Chemy now has a way to express a smaller version of this power that accentuates their strengths. That's being a responsible Onee-Sama!